It has been a while now, sitting here in this forest. By now only a tiny fragment of the ghosts path remained, the other tracks seemingly as vivid as the day I saw them. Getting up from my rock, I walked past the tree in the center, its gaze somewhat nullified by the time I had spent around it, I know in the end a simple tree couldn’t stop me.
Walking around the forest floor, I had time to ponder, to reflect on why I had chosen this path. Something akin to familiarity drew me, enticed me to follow in its wake.
Walking up the hill on the outskirts of the clearing, I saw the earlier path I was walking, I saw the trail that had been laid before me to get me to this destination.
Admiring the view for a while, taking in all the beauty, I sighed contentedly to myself.
Walking slowly down the hill, pausing again to take a last look at the view for the time being I followed my path back inside, something immediately struck me as odd.
Silence had completely taken over the forest. Not a single sound permeated the area. With the complete silence around me I felt at ease, and used this time to lay down on the soft grass.
It was then I heard her sing, melodious and beautiful, a vibrant spark in this forest of sightless judgement. I heard her voice from the forest beyond the paths as she sang to me of possible futures, of a chance to discover an amazing place.
Wind swept the center tree, as sound returned to the forest. I felt it crashing into my sense of hearing like a tidal wave. The wind rustled the leaves into a quick short lived frenzy. Her voice disappeared as quickly as it had arrived.
Sitting back, leaning myself back onto my rock, I gazed upon the night time sky, reflecting on the hauntingly beautiful voice that sang from the forest.
I sit here still, in the forest. The footprints still asking me to choose, to decide on what path I have to take.
I have waited a week in this strange place, the trees have grown darker, almost angry at my presence. One tree stood out, it was mighty and overlooked the center of the path. Shrouded with a menacing aura, I felt reluctant to be near it. This tree in its aeons of wisdom seemed to judge me.
The timing is not right just yet, something about this path has changed, I don’t recognize it. Its different to any path I’ve walked down before.
I have to wait here and study both choices, the tree in the center as menacing as it may be, is only a tree and will not stop me from sitting here.
Waiting.
I don’t think that I should’ve taken a detour off my main path, I saw the sign at the start off this road, warning me of the dangers ahead.
Something struck me as I looked down the path, an intense feeling of familiarity as if I had been down a similar road earlier in life.I saw what the terrain was like, and knew what part of the travel down this road would be like.
I knelt down and studied the path, it had been travelled before, but not by me, the ghostly footsteps of a former life were still fresh.
Following the footsteps, I noticed them starting to fade, just as the path I walked on started to alter, smooth ground began to turn coarse, yet the footprints; dull and faded to the point of almost nothing, remained.
I followed them through a forest, the trees silently protesting my passage, judging me with faceless emotion.
The footprints guided me into a clearing, a clear path lay in front of me and I followed it until I walked to the top of a hill near the edge of the clearing.
Something caught my eye, it was another set of footprints, different to the ones that led me here. These footprints seemed to have just appeared on the path, they were new and walked alongside their ghostly counterparts.
The two sets of tracks I followed, they led me back into the forest, guiding me along the road until I came to a stop.
The road ahead of me was split in two directions, on one path was the two sets of footprints, although how much longer the ghostly remnants will last I do not know.
On the other path the same new footprints journeyed alone, walking unknowingly on the path.
I did not know what to do, so I turned around, and saw that I too had left my mark on the path.
A flash of revelation hit me, I realized that this was a choice.
There is a growing attraction between us my dear… the road ahead might take a little while to travel, but I’ve already mapped out the path we should follow. Hopefully we end up at the same destination.
I remember those eyes well, piercing and green, staring me down. Just above the rim of your glasses they sat, moving swiftly away every time I glanced back at you, only to return the moment you thought I wasn’t looking.
Goddamn I miss you Diana, I really can’t do this alone. You were my rock, my one piece of stability in this world. I need for you to be back in my life. I’m trying to stay strong for you, to give you a chance to grieve or to get over me. But you were the one who made me completely comfortable with myself, you are so beautiful and I was privileged to be part of your life. I still love you Diana. And right now all I want is to have your arms around me. I have been through a lot, and have come to grow, fast. I’m not asking for us to get back together, but maybe to lay the foundations of something new. We had something. And it was beautiful. Please read this and consider it?
I miss you, I really do.
But I have to move on, To free myself from the hold you have over me, a hold so beautiful and mesmerising that I can’t bear to lose. I have to be the fighter, battle through my yearning for you to wander through my front door. I have to be able to sleep at night, without your familiar snoring helping me.
When we broke up, At the time I was heartbroken, I felt dead.
The next few days I went through a process that I hope to never have to experience again, This process made me try and sever all emotional times, the only logical thing I could do to move on and get myself out of the spiral of destruction that I was heading toward. This worked for a while, It got me by. Although it is grisly and I really hate to admit it, for a moment I had effectively cut all ties, you were in fact dead to me on an emotional level.
I hated myself for doing this.
It was a weird feeling, and I thought I had buried you in my past and tried to move on, looking for the easiest band-aid solution to my problems.
But it didn’t work.
You’ve made a permanent mark on me Diana, A scar which I am willing to carry. To learn from my mistakes. I am fairly certain now, that we would have never have worked out in the end, And although I sometimes want to call you begging to take me back, or even to get you over so I have someone to sleep next to, I can’t go down that road again.
I did think we were the most perfect couple, I was genuinely happy. And then we broke up, seemingly with no forewarning. Granted you had said a few times that I could’ve done more around the house, and that things weren’t happening between us anymore, but the thing that hurt me most was that you never told me when you apparently stopped loving me. I was upset that when I chose to talk to you, we ended it too fast, all these things that made you unhappy came bubbling to the surface, I had no knowledge that you were unhappy, I really didn’t and neither did anyone else. When we talked, I wanted to compromise, to talk things out, but in the middle of me doing this you suddenly drop that you “No longer loved me” and It hurt. I’m sorry for this angry part of the post, but If i can’t say it here, when can I?
Ferret Bueller.
In the past few days however, I have grown to see the friendship that we can achieve, and although when you cleaned out most of your possessions I was a heartbroken wreck of a man, practically breaking down everytime I saw you pack another piece of the life we built together, I am going to be ok. I may seem like I may be heading on a downward spiral of destruction, but this is just the emotional fallout and I will pull myself out of this.
I think part of me will always love my little bit o totty, and I hope there’s a part of you that misses ‘er little bit o strumpet, but if nothing more, we can at least share the memories of the beautiful love story that we created, like the first time you said you loved me… The Space Invader that sits above the laundry door to this day.
Please don’t be a stranger, I still want you to remain close, and a good part of my life.
Although it doesn’t seem like it now, you’ve made me a better person Diana.
Thank you.
Alex
P.s Longy is a twat :D
I wish I could say I was feeling good, but I can’t. An uneasiness is creeping over me.
Have you ever sat down and truly wondered, just where your direction in life is meant to be; Are the things that you want to happen ever going to? I’m not sure what the answers to the questions I am asking myself are, I just know that part of me has been wanting to ask.
My brain is full of fuck at the moment, So I’m not writing anymore at this time.
Fate… its a funny thing, think about it. if every thing we do is predetermined, is the concept of free will merely a tool used to keep us on our path? Are we ever truly free?
I used to think my path was straight and narrow, yet it is anything but. I am not normal, yet im comfortable knowing that. There are things that I would prefer to be different, yet I know wont change until something is done. All I can do is be the instrument of my own destiny.
Perhaps my fate is to choose my own path in life, or perhaps it is to never reach a decision, and spend my days, one at a time, until fate moves me in the right direction.
